When Helping Becomes a Way to Avoid Our Own Feelings

Understanding emotional defenses and the path to codependency recovery.

It’s 11:30PM on a Tuesday night. A mother is sitting on the edge of her bed, looking at her phone. Her adult son was supposed to call hours ago. She has already sent two texts and called once. There has been no response.

She begins running through the possibilities. Maybe his phone died. Maybe he fell asleep. Maybe he had a difficult day and needed some time alone. She reminds herself that he has been doing better lately and that she needs to give him room to figure things out.

But she is worried.

She gets up and checks her phone again. She considers calling his friend to see if he has heard from him. She thinks about what she will say if her son has been drinking again. She is angry that he hasn't called, frightened that something may have happened, and exhausted by the uncertainty.

Then she catches herself thinking about what she can do to help him tomorrow. Perhaps she should call his therapist. Maybe she needs to remind him about his appointment or help him make a plan for the week.

Planning feels better than sitting with the uncertainty. Doing something feels better than feeling afraid.

What she hasn't stopped to ask is a different set of questions: What am I feeling right now? What do I need? And is there anything I can actually do about this tonight?

Her concern for her son is real. So is her love. But somewhere along the way, managing his circumstances has become a way of managing her own discomfort.

This is a pattern many families affected by addiction come to recognize. We focus on the person we love, trying to understand, anticipate, prevent, or repair what is happening. We may become so busy fixing the problem that we never pause to consider what is happening inside ourselves.

What if the next step in recovery isn't figuring out what to do about our loved one—but learning how to be present with our own feelings?

That is where our exploration of codependency recovery begins.

Codependency is often discussed in terms of rescuing, fixing, controlling, people-pleasing, and difficulty setting boundaries. These behaviors matter, but they may also reflect something happening beneath the surface: our relationship with our own feelings.

When addiction or mental health challenges affect someone we love, we may become so focused on managing the situation that we lose touch with our own needs, fears, and emotions.

Recovery invites us to shift our attention—not away from the person we love, but toward ourselves as well.

Instead of automatically reacting to discomfort, we can begin asking: What am I feeling? What do I need? What is mine to communicate, and what is mine to do?

To understand this process, let's look at how emotional avoidance can shape our behavior and how we can begin moving from avoidance to engagement. Subsequently, we’ll explore our feelings, emotional defenses, and the ways we attempt to alleviate discomfort. Finally, we’ll examine the steps required to transition from avoidance to engagement and foster honest communication, ultimately leading to recovery.

What if our problem isn't the feeling—but what we do to avoid it?

Codependency is often discussed in terms of behaviors like rescuing, fixing, controlling, people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, or becoming overly focused on someone else’s problems. However, beneath many of these behaviors lies a more fundamental issue: our relationship with our own feelings. When we encounter situations that evoke fear, anger, pain, shame, guilt, or even uncertainty, we may become uncomfortable with the feelings themselves. Instead of allowing ourselves to experience and understand them, we develop various ways to avoid them. We explain, rationalize, blame, minimize, withdraw, comply, try to fix the situation or the person, stay busy, or numb ourselves.

And sometimes, without realizing it, we spend so much energy managing the circumstances around us that we never stop to ask: What am I actually feeling? What do I need? What is mine to do—and what isn't?

Codependency recovery can involve learning to answer those questions.

Feelings Are Information

Before we can communicate our thoughts and feelings to someone else, we must first be able to identify what’s happening inside ourselves. While this may seem straightforward, it’s not always easy.

For instance, when someone asks, “How are you feeling?” our immediate response might be, “I’m fine.” While this may be true sometimes, it can also mean:

• I don't know what I'm feeling.

• I don't want to talk about what I'm feeling.

• I'm afraid of what will happen if I say it.

• I don't think my feelings matter.

• I don't want to make things worse.

• I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling.

Learning to recognize our feelings provides us with valuable information that we can use to guide our actions. However, it’s important to remember that feelings aren’t always instructions. Feeling angry doesn’t necessarily mean we should act angrily, feeling afraid doesn’t automatically mean we should run, and feeling guilty doesn’t necessarily mean we need to fix the situation. Instead, feelings can offer us insights without dictating our responses.

To comprehend this process, let’s consider the Eight Broad Emotional Experiences:

- Anger: Something feels wrong, threatening, unfair, or violated.

- Fear: Something feels uncertain, dangerous, or beyond our control.

- Pain: Something hurts, has been lost, or holds deep significance.

- Joy: Something brings pleasure, gratitude, connection, or fulfillment.

- Passion: Something feels deeply meaningful, motivating, or alive.

- Love: We experience attachment, care, connection, or affection.

- Shame: “Something is wrong with me.”

- Guilt: “Something I did or didn’t do was wrong.”

These aren’t the only emotions we experience, and individuals may employ different emotional frameworks or vocabulary. The objective isn’t to find the perfect label.

The point is to begin noticing: What is happening inside me?

The Feelings We Most Want to Avoid

Some feelings are easier to endure than others. Joy, love, and passion may feel welcome and enjoyable. However, fear, pain, shame, guilt, and anger can be much more challenging to cope with.

For families grappling with addiction, mental health struggles, or chronic instability, difficult emotions can become constant companions. Fear may lead to excessive checking, monitoring, planning, and controlling. Pain may prompt individuals to stay busy or focus on someone else’s problems. Anger may feel more accessible than fear or helplessness. Shame may result in hiding. Guilt may lead to over-functioning or an attempt to fix everything.

When these feelings become uncomfortable enough, we may resort to defense mechanisms to cope with our feelings.

What Is an Emotional Defense?

An emotional defense is a mechanism we employ to shield ourselves from experiences that evoke discomfort, fear, pain, or overwhelm. These defenses are not always conscious. We rarely consciously think, “I’m going to minimize this because I don’t want to feel afraid.” Instead, we simply act on them.

Emotional defenses may have served a crucial purpose at some point. They can assist us in coping with experiences that seem too challenging to process in the moment. However, the issue arises when these defenses become more significant than the truth. We may become so engrossed in avoiding a particular feeling that we cease to listen to its underlying message.

Here are some common defenses that may manifest when we are uncomfortable with our emotions:

Rationalizing

Rationalizing involves crafting a logical explanation for behavior or circumstances to sidestep confronting the emotional reality. For instance, one might say, “They’ve had a really tough week,” “Anyone would react this way,” or “There was no other option.”

While these explanations may be reasonable, they can sometimes be employed to evade an uncomfortable emotional truth.

Justifying

Justifying behavior involves providing reasons that make it appear acceptable. For instance, someone might say, “I only did it because…” or “I had to.”

Another example could be, “If I didn’t, everything would have fallen apart.” While these explanations may have legitimate reasons, the key question is whether they help us understand the situation or simply serve to avoid taking responsibility for our actions.

Projecting

Projection is the act of attributing our own uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, motives, or behaviors to someone else. For instance, we might say, “You’re the one who’s angry,” “You’re controlling,” or “You don’t trust me.”

This can divert our attention from our own issues and instead focus on someone else’s perceived problems. Recovery encourages us to reflect on what aspects of this situation are truly our own.

Blaming

Blaming someone else for a problem can provide temporary relief from the discomfort of taking responsibility. However, it rarely leads to understanding. Instead, the focus should shift to identifying one’s own role in the situation.

The question becomes: “What is my part?” rather than: “Who can I make responsible for how I feel?”

Intimidating and Non-violent Threatening

Sometimes, emotional discomfort can escalate into an attempt to control someone else’s response. Intimidation can manifest through anger, raised voices, aggressive behavior, or fear-inducing tactics.

Alternatively, non-violent threatening involves explicit or implied consequences aimed at compelling compliance. Phrases like “If you don’t…” or “Then I’ll…” can serve as threats.

While these behaviors may temporarily halt a conversation, they fail to address the underlying emotional discomfort.

Humor and Sarcasm

Humor and sarcasm can be a source of health, connection, and genuine assistance. However, it can also become a means of escaping vulnerability.

When someone becomes serious, we resort to making jokes or off-putting remarks. When someone expresses pain, we laugh. When the conversation becomes too intimate, we alter the emotional atmosphere.

The question isn’t whether humor is inherently good or bad. The more profound question is: Am I using humor to connect with others, or am I using it to avoid vulnerability?

Intellectualizing

Intellectualizing occurs when we analyze an experience instead of allowing ourselves to fully experience the emotions associated with it.

We may possess extensive knowledge about addiction, trauma, family systems, and what others should do. When asked how they feel about a situation, they will tell you what they think, likely even starting the phrase with, "Well, I think ...." and they may even add an observation about the other person. So, it would sound like this, "Well, I think that they are scared and that's why they are acting that way."

However, can we genuinely express our emotions? Can we say, “I’m scared,” “I’m hurt,” “I’m angry,” or “I don’t know what to do”? Understanding feelings is not the same as experiencing them.

Explaining

Explaining becomes a defense mechanism when individuals use information to evade emotional accountability. Instead of simply acknowledging their hurt, they immediately provide a reason for their actions. While the explanation may be accurate, it’s not always the first step needed.

Sometimes, the initial response should be acknowledgment, allowing the other person to process their emotions without the burden of an explanation.

Comparing

Comparing our own experiences to someone else’s can divert our attention away from our own feelings.  We might think, “At least I’m not as bad as…” or “You did the same thing.”  We might also try to downplay our own struggles by saying, “Other families deal with much worse.” 

However, just because someone else has a bigger problem doesn’t mean our own feelings are any less valid.

Minimizing

Minimizing something makes it appear smaller than it truly is.  Phrases like “It wasn’t that bad,” “Everyone does that,” “It’s no big deal,” “They didn’t mean anything by it,” and “I can handle it” all contribute to this tendency.  By minimizing our experiences, we also limit the information our emotions are conveying.

While sometimes “It’s fine” is indeed fine, other times it may simply be a defense mechanism.

Silence and Withdrawing

Silence isn’t always a sign of avoidance. Sometimes, it’s thoughtful, and sometimes, it’s healthy. Sometimes, we genuinely need time to regulate before continuing a difficult conversation. However, silence and withdrawal can also become defenses when used to escape emotional engagement. We don’t express our feelings, don’t ask for what we need, leave the room, stop responding, or shut down. The crucial question isn’t simply, “Am I being quiet?” It’s, “Am I taking space so I can rejoin the conversation, or am I using distance to avoid it altogether?”

Healthy space has a path back to engagement, while avoidance often doesn’t.

Questioning

Questioning can sometimes become a defense mechanism when people use it to avoid answering questions.  For example, someone might respond with, “Why are you asking me that?” or “What about you?”  They might also say, “Why does it matter?” or “What do you expect me to do?” 

In these cases, the conversation might suddenly shift focus from the original issue to why the other person is asking the question.

Switching

Switching the subject or redirecting attention to another issue is a common tactic used to change the focus of a conversation. For instance, if someone expresses their frustration about a particular matter, another person might respond by bringing up an unrelated incident that occurred last week.

This sudden shift in the conversation’s topic diverts attention away from the original issue and shifts the discussion to a different subject altogether.

Evading

Evading is simply avoiding the subject altogether. This can manifest in various ways, such as:

- Changing the topic

- Providing vague answers

- Refusing to answer

- Saying “I don’t know” when we genuinely do know

- Leaving the conversation

- Pretending the issue doesn’t exist

Regardless of the method used, the outcome is the same: the underlying issue remains unresolved, leaving the feeling unaddressed.

Complying

Complying can sometimes appear as the opposite of conflict. We quickly agree—even when we don’t genuinely agree—to avoid conflict, rejection, disappointment, or anger. We might say things like, “Whatever you want,” “It’s okay,” “Sure,” or “I’m fine with it.” However, beneath the surface, resentment may be building up. Recovery involves learning that honesty and conflict can coexist.

Saying “I don’t agree” doesn’t necessarily mean we’re being difficult. Sometimes, it simply means we’re finally being honest.

The Cycle of Avoidance

When we piece together these events, we can observe a recurring pattern: something occurs, I experience a feeling, and that feeling becomes uncomfortable.

In response, I defend against it, avoid, control, fix, explain, minimize, withdraw, or comply. Despite these actions, the underlying feeling persists, leading to the same situation—or a similar one—happening again, and the cycle continues. This can make it feel as though the same arguments, resentments, crises, or relationship patterns keep repeating.

Sometimes, the issue isn’t solely about what happened; it’s about how we responded to the feelings that were triggered by that event.

Fixing the Feeling

Another way we might avoid feelings is by trying to fix them. We fix the situation, the problem, give advice, make a plan, call someone, intervene, take over, or try to fix the person we love. Fixing can feel productive, and sometimes action is absolutely necessary.

However, sometimes what’s needed isn’t fixing; it’s feeling, listening, tolerating uncertainty, allowing another person to experience their own consequences, and asking, “What is actually mine to do?” This is especially important in families affected by addiction. Sometimes helping someone else becomes a way of avoiding ourselves.

If I’m focused entirely on your recovery, I don’t have to think about mine. If I’m monitoring your behavior, I don’t have to examine my anxiety. If I’m solving your problems, I don’t have to ask what I need. If I’m angry at you, I don’t have to feel afraid.

This doesn’t mean caring is wrong; it means we can learn to distinguish between helping and avoiding, supporting and controlling, and caring and taking responsibility for someone else’s choices.

Numbing the Feeling

When feelings become uncomfortable, people naturally seek relief. We may numb ourselves through various means sometimes called "medicators", such as:

- Busyness

- Work

- Food

- Alcohol or drugs

- Shopping

- Technology

- Exercise

- Sleep

- Entertainment

- Constant helping

- Constant problem-solving

Even healthy activities can become avoidance when we use them primarily to escape uncomfortable emotions.

The question isn’t simply, “Is this activity good or bad?” A more insightful question is, “What am I using this to avoid feeling?” This question fosters awareness.

Awareness creates choice.

What Does Recovery Look Like?

Recovery doesn’t mean eliminating every defense mechanism. Instead, it means becoming more aware of the moment when we’re about to use one.

Instead of minimizing our pain by saying, “This actually hurts me,” we should acknowledge it. Instead of blaming ourselves by saying, “I need to look at my part,” we should take responsibility for our actions.

Instead of complying with someone’s request by saying, “I don’t agree,” we should express our feelings and needs. Instead of withdrawing from a conversation by saying, “I need some time, but I want to come back to this conversation,” we should be honest about our feelings and needs. Instead of explaining our perspective by saying, “I can understand your experience without immediately defending mine,” we should be open to listening and understanding the other person’s perspective.

Instead of trying to fix a problem by saying, “Is this actually mine to solve?” we should be willing to take responsibility for our actions and work towards finding a solution.

This is engagement, not perfection.

Admitting What We Feel

There is tremendous power in being able to say:

"I'm angry." "I'm scared." "I'm hurt." "I'm ashamed." "I feel guilty." "I'm happy." "I love you." "This matters to me."

We don't have to justify every feeling. We don't have to prove that our feeling is reasonable. We don't have to make someone else agree with it. We can simply acknowledge: "This is what I'm experiencing."

That is the beginning of emotional honesty.

Feelings → Needs → Communication

One practical way to break this pattern is to slow down and ask three questions:

1. What am I feeling? Name it as specifically as possible. For instance, “I’m afraid,” “I’m angry,” “I’m hurt,” “I’m resentful,” or “I’m in need of reassurance, information, rest, respect, safety, space, support, connection, or a boundary.”

2. What do I need? The need could be anything from reassurance and information to rest, respect, safety, space, support, connection, or a boundary.

3. How can I communicate that honestly and respectfully? For example, you could say, “I feel afraid. I need reassurance. Can we talk about the plan?” Or, “I feel resentful. I need more balance. I want to discuss what I’m willing to do and what I’m not willing to do.”

The goal isn’t to make someone else responsible for our feelings. Instead, it’s to become responsible for identifying and communicating them.

You Don't Have to Fix Every Feeling

One of the most challenging lessons in recovery is realizing that a feeling doesn’t always necessitate immediate action. You can experience fear and choose to wait. You can feel anger and decide to pause. You can be hurt and choose to breathe. You can feel guilty and examine what truly belongs to you. You can feel shame without letting it define you. You can love someone without rescuing them. You can care without exerting control.

Sometimes, the most powerful response to a feeling is simply: “I notice you. I don’t have to act on you right now.”

This pause creates a space between the feeling and the reaction, allowing us the opportunity to choose.

From Avoidance to Engagement

Codependency recovery isn’t about becoming someone who never experiences fear, anger, hurt, guilt, shame, joy, passion, or love. Instead, it’s about developing the ability to feel emotions without automatically escaping them.

We begin by noticing our feelings, then identifying them. We ask ourselves what these feelings might be trying to tell us and recognize the defenses we use to avoid them. We also notice how we try to fix or numb these emotions. Eventually, we learn a different way: to feel them, name them, own them, communicate them, and choose what we want to do about them.

The goal isn’t to control our emotions—or someone else’s. The goal is to become more emotionally honest, more aware, and more capable of responding rather than reacting.

That’s where recovery begins.

A Reflection Exercise

Reflect on the most challenging situation you’ve encountered recently.

Ask yourself:

- What transpired?

- How did I feel?

- What strategies did I employ to suppress those feelings?

- What defense mechanisms did I employ?

- What was my objective—to fix, control, numb, or alter something?

- What did I genuinely need?

- What was within my control?

- How could I communicate differently in the future?

Recovery doesn’t demand that we possess all the answers. Sometimes, it begins with the courage to finally acknowledge the truth about our emotions.

To explore Family Recovery Collective’s Courses, Resources, Posts, Polls, Episodes, and Blogs, use hashtags and search for: #CodependencyRecovery #FamilyRecovery #Feelings #Avoidance #EmotionalDefenses, and any other relevant terms.